time wasted.

My blog has sort of become my journal.

Not the kind of journal where you reveal every dark secret.  But the kind that gets left on the shelf and abandoned while your life races ahead, and where time falls through your hands and you forget that things happen that need to be recorded, and remembered.

Sunday brought a three hour church meeting, where we discussed the importance of time management.

I cried.

And cried and cried and cried.


I made an important realization.  I've let so much time go to waste, wasted on things I felt important, or not important at all yet just for the pure enjoyment of.  What I really should have done was made that time roll over, because I would cash it all in now.

Time has left me.

try to understand yourself.

I have severely neglected this sad, little blog of mine.  The more I push away nagging urges to write, the more I have felt myself disliking myself.  An odd correlation per se, so let me extrapolate a bit.

I have never been a strong public speaker, meaning conveying my thoughts through speaking to others. Clearly.  Otherwise I probably would not have this sort of blog (or a blog at all for that matter) and would be talking about politics or some other seemingly trivial matter that I don't have a care in the world for, at least for the time being.  I have always struggled with communicating all the words and ideas floating about in my mind to people without having first drafted those thoughts in ink.

example.
When I am approached by someone and asked my opinion, I usually walk away from my response frustrated, and mumbling to myself what I should have and very easily could have said with total disappointment in myself.  Sometimes I feel that I have portrayed myself as a less competent individual that I feel that I am.  Most times I just feel like an idiot for not stating exactly how I feel.
The worst times for me are when I am put on the spot and what I say actually holds significance, such as a recording for someone's personal use, taking a quote down for a school newspaper, or even worse; on TV.

So how does not writing on this blog, being a horrible public speaker, and disliking myself have anything to do with each other?

Because I really am such a horrible public speaker (really), the best way I can clearly convey my thoughts, ideas, and intentions are through writing.  Venting is probably the most effective way to explain how writing relieves my built up tension, worries, and stress.

So...

Because I have not written, I have bottled up everything inside me.  Every time I thought about writing this summer, it didn't ever appeal to me.  A downward spiral formed, and my actions started to reap consequences.  Consequences being that my self-esteem dropped, I felt negative about certain aspects of my life that I had never struggled with, and I felt truly stuck.  I didn't quite understand who I was.  Everyone sort of feels like this at times of their life, and I have been in this situation all too much.  But this time, it was a different kind of stuck, and I felt that there was something blockading my progression.

Tonight, I realized what stopped me, and that was the fact that I hadn't been writing.  I feel so much better now that I have let things loose, even left some loose ends untied and drifting in the wind, and maybe (just maybe) I have broken that temporary barrier.

And I think I know who I am now.

oh my lands, she posted pictures.

I decided I love photography.

Addison and I decided to have a play date at The Ranch. It was a day full of cowboy boots and starched hats.  Who wants to work when you can take pretty pictures?

it hasn't hit me yet.

It hasn't hit me yet.

I was waiting to write until it did-- but one week of not registering in my head (and more importantly my heart) has left me impatient.

Eight months ago I started an adventure.  I had no insight to what I could expect, only words of advice from what and who I already knew.  I reached out of my box.  My box that I haven't left for a very long time (my whole life, to be precise).  That box is entitled "Social Life; in Other Words, Education".  Leaving a 4A high school with 1400 kids to a charter school of 400 high schoolers totally flipped my world upside down.  If you've followed along over the past couple months you've seen what transpired.  I became a new person.  I think I like who I've become, but it's often disappointing to see that I've run a little bit further ahead of my friends, and I want them to catch up with me and see the world how I do.

I learned to love people no matter who they are, or who they are to someone else.  Be best friends with the kid who ruins the curve for the entire class because they know absolutely everything, yet are the ones who may not have as many friends as you do.  Sit next to people that might make you uncomfortable with their appearance, because quite frankly you have no one else to sit by.  Reach out.  Love unconditionally. Judge not.  Fear less.  Express thoughts.  Be genuine.  Break social barriers.  Have the reality of life start to creep into your life.  Move on.

It took me seven out of the eight months to love where I was, and to stop looking back at what could have been if I hadn't shifted my course, yet now I have begun to understand WHY I went and who I've started to become.  Recognizing who you are is essential, and a life changing understanding.  Everything starts to make sense, and you finally realize why God intervenes, why things don't happen the way you want, and why life isn't fair.  Questions about life are inexplicably answered.

But for reasons I will not explain here (another day, perhaps), public school became my decision for senior year.  Back to the graduating class I grew up with throughout the years, back to the school I have loved with all my heart, back to the social events (not that they matter dearly, but they do sometimes), and back to the old.  But with a new me.  We will see what next year has in store for me, but that is why you follow along with me, you want to know too, don't you?

And that is why last Monday should have been a very hard day for me.  Leaving all those individuals who changed my life (and they genuinely did, as explicitly stated above), not seeing most of them ever again most likely, should have left my mind muddled and my heart hurting.  But to come full-circle...it hasn't hit me yet.  

i have finally found the right words.

Maybe you've experienced this problem.  Perhaps, I have found the right words for you as well.

     I miss everything about writing.  Words used to flow through my mind; phrases, ideas, thoughts.  It only took my understanding of the English language to form those thoughts into a coherent passage.  But, like any old hobby kept out of practice, it slowly began to fade.  As soon as Time insisted on being in the hands of social media and the teenage lifestyle, my passion sank in priority.  Years of cultivating the art of writing suddenly seemed to vanish from my life.
     I had experienced this shutdown before, when Time once again took my love of reading.  Hundreds of books lined my shelves, proof of the numerous hours spent dedicated to literature.  Still now, they beckon me to retract from this period of abandonment I've found myself in.  And yet I am fearful, fearful to heed their call.  That if I were to open a novel, I wouldn't experience the same attachment that I had with books years ago.  That I wouldn't immediately seep into the pages, barely conscious of my own surroundings, and experience the story first hand, like I could make possible before.  I am afraid of disappointment.
     Of course, both reading and writing are extremely rewarding.  Perhaps not for every reader of my words, but for myself, and that kind of gratification creates a life-long impact, and an increasing determination to continue forward.  It's an addiction, to say the least.  Once begun, it becomes almost impossible to stop.

And the words have found their place, to truly justify how I feel.

heart strings pulled. painfully.

I never post about significant others.  Mostly because I don't enjoy reading other hopeless romantics' blog posts about their love life, so I don't bore you with mine.

But tonight was a hard night.

The only boy I have ever really loved with my whole heart, I loved for a long time.  I guess I still do, even though nothing can happen, or ever should.  Two whole years of my life spent with my energy focused on him, and I could never imagine anyone else in my life.  He was the one I would die for.  

He's finishing his last year of high school.  I always looked forward to the day where maybe, he would ask me to a dance.  Or if perhaps, I mustered up the courage to ask him.  We both wanted to go to one together.  He's never been to a girls choice dance.  I could be his first.

Finally, after miscommunication with previous dances throughout the year, prom season rolled around and I was dropping hints.  Hoping he would pick them up.  Unfortunately things just didn't come together like I had wanted.. I was banking on one dance.  Morp.  I was a little bit behind the curve and asked him today, excited.

He called me and asked if he could talk to me outside.  So I met him in the neighborhood like we used to often, and play in the rain.  

He had already been asked.  By a good friend, but still.  My heart dropped.  It sank to my feet, and fell through the ground I stood upon.  I knew something like this would happen.  The last dance of the year, HIS last dance of high school, and I couldn't share it with him.  

He offered to take me on a date to make it up to me.  But it isn't the same.  I walked back home not knowing how to react.  Silence muffled every footstep.

*It's hard seeing someone you loved so much, get up and move along from the life that you were a part of.  

prom #1

life has been busy.

event #1: prom with mr. tanner manscill :)

i've gotten real good at pinning those boutonnieres. 

it's alright that we don't match.. whatever, right? boys are just uncannily bad at understanding differences in color. ;)

my day suddenly has gotten better, after realizing i have

one week left

until i can RUN.  and hop and skip and jump and be a child again.

and this girl is happy.

what gets me through the day.

wear your invisible crown every day, and remember who you are.

on a lighter note..

today was an absolutely beautiful day.

thumbs up for not being at practice, reading The Count of Monte Cristo and letting the wind dry curly hair.

what happens when you haven't seen a doc in a year.

i don't recommend bottling up your feelings for longer than necessary.  your body shuts down and you don't even know where to begin living again.

my world has come crashing down over the past two weeks. 

running has become my life.  it keeps me sane during 3rd and 4th term.  not only that, but one of the only reasons why i was okay with transferring schools was if i could still run for Timp. 

as of last week, my life as a runner ended.  temporarily, i believe, but this is a prolonged time of inactivity, if you will.

the season started off fantastic, had a track meet down in st. george, soaked up the sun, and qualified for state with my medley team!  i couldn't have been more thrilled, my dream and goal of going to state was coming true! i had worked so hard to accomplish that, and that made me even more determined to qualify in more events throughout the season.

tuesday of last week brought about another small meet, pretty relaxed.  my worst nightmare came true then.  i fell again in my 100m hurdles. this is not the first time i've fallen (you can read about my first fall and hurdle disappointments here). this automatically meant a week or two off for me to heal.  a disappointment but not my biggest worry.

the biggest worry was my shins.  over the past month i've had horrible shin splints, and after i fell i could feel constant pain in my shins.  i went to the doctor to see what was going on.

after the doctor's visit, i was diagnosed with more than i had asked for:

-stress fractures in my shin.  8 weeks of no impact, which means no running, jogging, jumping, etc.

-anterior compartment syndrome.  requires surgery to fix.

-plantar fasciitis.  bone spurs and tight, numb tendons and ligaments in heel and arch.

treatment ranges for each of these.  but in general i have minimum 4 weeks absolutely NO running, and i'm going to try and come in and compete at region.  if i feel okay then i have a green light to run at state.  but i think both my parents and i know that this isn't going to happen.  there's no way that my body, in its current state, could possibly be ready to compete.  and even if i did.. i would have to take two months off AFTERWARD, into my summer, and i don't want to risk that.

its been the most disappointing couple weeks, my emotions are all over the place i don't know whether to cry or scream in frustration.

-it's kind of one of those things that you don't understand why EVERYTHING had to go wrong at the same time, and why you can't pull yourself together. 

but i guess that's what you get being a runner and not seeing a doctor in a year or two to discover your problems. 

questions answered. and tags.

i've been in quite an uncreative mood lately.  just living day to day is my current motto.
track season has officially begun; we have had two meets so far, and still loving hurdles with my life.
its when tori and i have our heart to hearts, cam and i soak each other with water bottles, and i continue to work as hard as possible.

so, i've been officially tagged. in one of those "questionnaires" for bloggers. i tend to shy away from these sorts of things, but tori would kill me if i didn't do it (love you sis).

--what is your biggest dream in life?
   probably going to medical school.  succeeding in life overall tends to drive my every action.

--who has inspired you the most?
   i've never really had any "idols" in my life, but i definitely look up to my teachers and instructors in school.  they know a lot more than you think about life; take the time to get to know them personally.

--what is your comfort food?
   if you know me at ALL.  you would know the answer.  Oreo's.  of course.

--if you have a heartbreak playlist, what are some songs on it?
   this is a hard one. definitely beautiful love by the afters. and every song ever written by adele.

--if you could kiss any actor, who would it be? (i'm stealing a question from tori)
   definitely Chris Hemsworth. Thor blew my mind, he is a hunk.

--how many kids is your ideal number?
   2 is the golden number.  one boy, one girl, just like my family.

--who are you best friends with?
   i don't consider anyone my best friend, just a best friend for certain things.  tor when it comes to track, syd when i need serious counseling and a laugh and discussing certain men, then zoe, addie and amy, the girls i spend every weekend with.  then the boys. trev, caleb, jake, hougs, cam.  they rock my world.  (obviously there are too many to count. i love everyone.)

--if you could switch places for a day with one person, who would it be?
   anyone who is living my dream. a traveller, lover, creator, and healer.

--favorite brand of clothing?
   anything from nordstrom.  i'm an eclectic dresser.

--what is your favorite dinner to eat?
   anything my dad makes, he is the real chef of the family.  :)

--what do you crave all the time?
   oreos. love. friendship. answers to all my questions. music. running. beauty.

alright enough about me. but there, i did it.
feel free to go ahead and answer these questions with your own answers!

i tag:

brittany b.
annie h.
nicole t.
taryn & taylor n. 

:) good luck girls!

a love affair.

this stuff saves my life before track meets.

KT tape does wonders for shin splints.

i'm in love, too. ps. 

(his name is track. we have this really great love affair, where i run to my hearts content, and he gives me pain. just what you wanted every day, right?)

KONY 2012.

My family is sentimentally attached to Africa, especially Kenya and Uganda.  My mother has spent years of her life dedicated to helping the people there.  Having been there myself, seeing this video really does a good job of representing what it's really like to be there.  It's a reality check, even for the complacent people of America. (yes, YOU.)

watch this.^^
(I understand it's long.  I GUARANTEE its worth your time.  It's riveting.)

The world needs to work together to solve a problem like this.  Raise awareness.

KONY 2012.

due to my lack of posting..

I feel like I have lost my love for two things.

one.

-Writing.  I used to love to write, I would write short stories in the summer; write letters, poems.

two.

-Reading. If you didn't know where to find me, I would always be in some little nook reading a book.

Unfortunately, both of these habits require time, and an incredible amount of patience.  Both of which the teenage lifestyle limit severely.  But passions come and go, ebb and flow.  Time consumed changes hands, into predominately those of social media.

I just feel overwhelmed, sometimes.  I freak out that I have to apply to college in a few short months, that all of a sudden I'm growing up.  I'll have to do my own laundry and cook my own food.  I'm mostly worried about the latter of the two.

Everyone in this world has 24 hours a day.  For those of the school attending age, take 8 hours of that out for school and about 8 for sleep, if graced with a good night's sleep.  Use your time wisely.

you all know me.

i'm too indecisive for my own good.  my blog has received a slight makeover.
i don't have the attention span to make it any better, but it will have to do for the moment.

(i take pictures instead of doing my homework.)

sometimes i hate deleting my facebook.

sometimes i hate it, because that means i no longer can access pinterest.

maybe this is a good thing.


sometimes, i wake up and my hair looks like this:

(i can't control it.)

sometimes, i am indecisive. (nevermind. all the time.)

maybe i live by inconsistency.

making a bed.

today's random act of kindness: took some time out of my day to sit down with my brother and look at some family history that he's been asking me to look at with him.

after school i walked into my room, and noticed that my bed had been made.  crudely done, but nonetheless still made.  my mom then informed me that my younger brother had made it for me.  that sweetened my day :)

i didn't realize until tonight, after my day had come to a close, that it had really made that much of a difference in my day.  i think i was altogether much kinder to my brother; more patient and willing to listen to what he had to say.

what did you do today to help someone, no matter how small?

new goals. and some new free time.

in all reality i decided i needed to change a couple of things in my life.

winter/spring season is the busiest time of year for me, and this year i am expecting havoc.
so, consequently, i did something incredible [okay maybe not for you, but for me it was.]

#1:

i deactivated my Facebook.

if you know me at all, you will realize how much of a miracle this really is. i seriously could be considered a Facebook addict.

but, i realized that it honestly was taking up so much of my time and it wasn't worth the stress of feeling like i'm constantly out of time.

after i deactivated it, however, i immediately felt like i had hours more to my day.  it was a great feeling.  

-i read 80 pages out of the full-length edition of The Count of Monte Cristo.

-i took a nap.

-i played sunday hymns on the piano.

-i practiced harp.

-i studied for the SAT.

never. would i get those things done on a sunday. AND. be finished by 9:00. 

i feel free.

#2:

i decided to become service oriented.

i'm going to try something new with my blog.  every day i'll start out a post with an act of service that i did sometime that day.  service brings true happiness, and during a stressful part of my life, [and with the free time i now "have" away from Facebook] i can focus on helping out others, and hopefully start a ball rolling.  i think by sharing it with people who read this blog, that hopefully it will empower you to do the same, and see the impact of it in your life :)

becoming independent.

The past two weeks have been weeks of traveling.  I love the world.  One of the reasons why I love traveling and being away is that I learn significantly important life lessons along the way, and I come to understand myself even more.

things learned from this trip..

#1: I am a much better writer than I am a public speaker.  Including discussions with people.  I always seem to find a better way to convey what I want to say after I've managed to blunder through a couple sentences.  

#2: I ramble too much.  It's better to be precise and to the point, rather than ambiguous and wordy.

#3: The more I leave home, the more I miss my family.  The minute I stepped off the plane to Boston, I wanted to be back home with my mom and dad.  Unfortunately my years are winding down at home, less than 2 left.  My feelings are moving in the opposite direction than they should be.  I should be feeling more ready to leave home, but I'm starting to not look forward to it!

#4: Appreciate the life you live, but learn to accommodate the lives of other people as to not intrude.

#5: Don't forget the things that mom reminds you to take.  Such as toothpaste, lotion, or a razor.  You'll wish you had them, even though you told yourself you didn't. (minus the toothpaste. I just ran out after two days. not to worry.)

The list continues to grow every day.

when you're feeling down.

it is always better to look up.^

i am a woman.

As I grudgingly made my way downstairs to switch out the laundry, I had an epiphany.  A sudden realization, if you will.  Well, by all means, I know and have known since my birth that I am a girl, and that one day I would be a woman.  But, I accepted that fact today.

It has always been my mindset that women have every right to do everything a man does in the workplace.  And that still continues to be my viewpoint.  Nevertheless, I also believe(d) that me and my future husband would switch roles and he would be the "stay at home" and I would be the working mother, in the medical field of course.  Now, it is entirely possible that I could still be a doctor.  And that is still my goal, and always has.

BUT, (back to my epiphany)

I was born to be a woman.  I know how to fold clothes, put sheets on a bed, iron, cook food and follow a recipe, change a diaper, do laundry, clean, do the dishes, love unconditionally, nurture and teach, have patience.  Of course some of these things become more natural over time, after I have my own children.  But it was an important lesson to realize.  

It seems like the majority of teenage boys make those sexist jokes about women being in their "rightful place", but to be honest I don't think I could take the job of being a man.  I'm content with fulfilling my duty, but above all else still being able to reach my goals.

So ladies,

love being a woman, and love being you :)

(this was just an epiphany.  I'm still strong willed by all means.  It's just good because now I think I'll be okay being a mother. haha.)

the future [2012].

i know everyone has a post about 2011.  but not me!  this post, is about 2012.

2012 absolutely has to be THE year.  it seems like 2012 has been foretold countless times as the year of the "future".  Big things are going to happen, everyone.

in chronological order, friends.

1. preference will come. (i already have that special man in mind)
2. junior year of track season will commence.  i WILL make it to state this year. :)
3. i will turn 17.
4. i will finish my junior year! (ridiculous. i hate growing up.)
5. i will travel.  already have some trips planned.
6. i will enjoy my last (maybe) summer at home.
7. i will START SENIOR YEAR.
8. i will audition my harp concerto with the Utah Valley Symphony. (and make it.)
9. i will APPLY TO COLLEGE. (oh my word. i could cry.)
10. i will be accepted to those colleges. (well. some.)

and, last but definitely not least:
11. i will grow to be a more independent and disciplined individual.

like i said.  this year, is going to be BIG.